One of the most important reasons to encourage an individual rather than praise them is to empower that individual. If I give you praise then I am telling you that you need my approval, that your worth is determined by me; when you should be able to define your own worth without seeking out approval from another. This seeking approval can come naturally because many of us want our loved ones to value what we think, feel, and do, and wanting the approval of a loved one is not a bad thing necessarily but one can be supportive while encouraging an individual. Praise is instant gratification; praise is here and gone in a second. “Oh, that’s nice,” the teacher says to the child who just showed them his or her artwork. The child sought attention and appreciation, received a typical response, and returns to their seat. Sure, saying “that’s nice” is a nice thing to say but encouraging statements leave a greater impact and truly shows the individual that you are paying attention. By saying “that’s nice” the teacher has given the child their approval. That tells the child what they did is important if the teacher says so, reinforcing authority, rather than encouraging positive self-esteem.
Here are some examples of both praise and encouragement:
“That’s nice” vs “What was your favorite part of ____ ?”
Ex) that drawing, your dance, your song, etc.
“Good job” vs “I saw that you _______ “
Ex) handed out the papers, shared that toy, etc.
“That’s/You’re Beautiful” vs “Do you like _____ ?“
Ex) your long hair, wearing that color, jewels on your clothes? Drawing princesses? Etc.
“You were the best!” vs “You worked really hard, didn’t you?”
“You are so smart” vs “How did you think of that?”
“I like it” vs “What do you like about this?”
“That’s my boy/girl/kid” vs List some of their achievements:
“You helped them put the toys away, you held my hand while crossing the street, you talked nicely to others, etc.”
“I am proud of you” vs “Are you proud of yourself?”
Praise promotes competition, instant gratification, needing the approval of authority figures, codependency, and low self-esteem.
Encouragement promotes positive self-esteem, self-reflection and personal growth, and puts the focus on the child/individual’s efforts and achievements.
