Reflections after the native women’s drum retreat

One of the speakers at the retreat talked about community in a way that really spoke to me, left an impression. She talked about being new to her culture and how before she started participating in the communities here she felt alone. She said that being with the people have filled a void she never thought could be filled. And I thought about that a great deal. As someone who can walk in both worlds she can see the difference between those sides. The individualism of white culture(s) in America, that she had always known, and how it differs from being in a community of California Cherokee people who are active in education preservation, drumming, etc. There is something to be said about how collectivist cultures are made up of people who may have a sense of belonging, acceptance, etc. as opposed to being in an individualistic culture and simply feeling alone.

It was hard to save face at the office today; word travels fast in our community (especially secrets). One guy asked me in front of everyone about Logan and why I was accepting his treatment. I do not like being put on the spot. And there I was, silent, astonished. So everyone decided to discuss it in front of me and gave me unwanted advice. “He is playing you”, “if he wanted to talk to you he would”, etc. It hurt. Everything about him and our “relationship” hurts. It doesn’t help being embarrassed in front of everyone.

Someone who comes to our classes is a Mechoopda woman (not white passing) who had become disconnected with her culture and is now trying to research her tribe and get involved in the community, and a certain someone keeps calling her an apple. She is doing everything the right way, the respectful way, and is being teased and excluded. White settlers tried to torture the ndn out of all of us and some  were not as blessed as others to be able to be connected to their culture. How can we hold this against each other?

people are always mistaking

  •  my confidence and good self-esteem for arrogance
  •  my introverted and solitude-seeking for snobby elitism
  • that acknowledging my beauty is thinking I am more beautiful than someone else

sometimes I wonder if you are someone who doesn’t constantly apologize for yourself by denying that you are beautiful, by never saying ‘no’, and not accepting compliments other people will mistake you for a self-centered snob.