I think I spoke to my grandma yesterday; I’m not sure if I imagined her to play an educator role or if she was really there.. (my grandma passed on ten years ago) And we talked about my choices and that there were only two directions: resistance or death. I’ve been in a bad state of mind since I was seven, which includes self-destructive actions. I was at my worst in 2012. Grandma said the next time I won’t make it. I believe that. I have already done damage that I will carry with me all my life.
I guess the point of this post is that I am going to be okay. I am surviving and resisting. I am not suicidal anymore. Mostly because of Little Bear and a little bit because of my grandma. I truly am just like her.. And I won’t devote the rest of my life to bitterness and anger.